Chuck: Hey there Billy Bob, where ya goin’ in such a hurry?  Are the fish bitin’?

Billy Bob: No man, I’m goin’ to a tea party!

Chuck: A tea party?  HAHAHA  Are you queer now, or what?

Billy Bob: Screw you, Chuck. Haven’t you heard of a tea party?  It’s been all over the news lately. A bunch of us regular folks are gettin’ together to protest Obama.  I say impeach the bastard for ruinin’ the country.

Chuck: First I heard of it.  What station have you been watchin’?

Billy Bob: FOX News is the only station I watch anymore.  They are the only ones that speak for real Americans instead of all that liberal bullshit. [Mary, Chuck’s wife, walks up]

Mary: Hey hubby, what are you two talkin’ about?

Chuck: Billy Bob is goin’ to a tea party, hahaha. He was just tellin’ me about it. OK, man, go on…go on….

Billy Bob: Yeah, I heard about it on FOX News.  They’re havin’ ‘em all over the country.  Patriotic people are comin’ out sayin’ we’ve had enough of Obama.

Mary: Wow, I just read something about tea parties and how they are being organized by Bush cronies like Dick Armey, financed by billionaires who do not want financial regulations, and promoted by FOX News.  Funny, I just now read about it.

Billy Bob: Sounds like liberal bullshit to me, Mary.  This is a movement of people who can’t stand what the United States has become under Obama.  Bailing out the banks and raising our taxes and giving away all our tax money to people who won’t work.  I think he is tryin’ to turn white people into slaves. We’re gonna have a revolution!

Mary: A revolution? Wow, Billy, all that and he has only been president for 3 months? Don’t you wonder who is behind all this?  Obama said he would only raise taxes on those making over $250,000 a year.  You must be makin’ some kinda money at the mill, Billy. Hahaha.

Billy Bob: Go ahead and laugh, Mary, I know who’s behind it. It’s the socialists in Congress who want to take our guns away and have us living in a Muslim fascist state. That’s what Rush says.  We don’t even know for sure that Obama is an American cause he won’t show us his birth certificate.

Mary: Rush Limbaugh?

Billy Bob: Yeah, Rush Limbaugh. Gotta love the guy and the way he stands up to the Democrats.  They are scared of him.  I would like to see him run for president cause he knows what is happenin’ to the country.

Mary: He wouldn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground, Billy.  He has an audience and he tells them what he thinks they want to hear.  You don’t seriously believe that Obama would be allowed to hold any office if he did not have a birth certificate, do you? I voted for him and he never said anything about taking guns away. Isn’t that right, honey? [nods to Chuck]

Chuck: Hell, I don’t know, Mary. I didn’t vote for none of them.  They are all a bunch of crooks in my opinion. I don’t remember anything about taking guns away though.

Billy Bob: That’s exactly what Rush talks about.  People who won’t stand up and speak out.  You should listen sometime.  You’d be surprised at what the Democrats are up to. Well, I gotta get goin’ so I have time to make my sign.

Mary: What kind of sign are you making?

Billy Bob: My protest sign.  It will say something like “Calling us the fringe is unfactual”  Do you like it?

Mary: Can’t say that I do, Billy, but you have fun at your tea party. See you later.

Billy Bob: Yeah, see ya. I’ll let you know when the fish are bitin’ man.

Chuck: Ok, take it easy, dude. Laters.

[Somalia is one of the poorest nations on Earth and it has no functioning government.  Organized factions compete against each other for what wealth and food they can find and as part of this competition they have reportedly taken to the seas to loot whatever ship passes their way. Anything of value is taken, from jewelry to food to whatever cargo the ship may be carrying.  Even the entire ship. Loot or starve is basically a way of life. These are some of the “pirates” we hear so much about lately, so now we have to ask, what if Obama declared a war on piracy?  Oh yeah, and western nations are rumored to be dumping tons of nuclear waste into the sea off the Somali coast. And Somali volunteers are rumored to be trying to stop this illegal dumping by chasing down ships.  Hmmm...makes you wonder what’s really up, doesn’t it? Taking hostages is always wrong, but we need an investigation into this allegation of nuclear dumping as well.]

Obama: Mr. Bush, I have a problem.  What should I do about the pirates?

Bush: The Pirates? You gotta love that Duke guy. He’s a a lefty though and I don’t like lefties.  Hehehe.

Obama: No, no, not the Pittsburgh Pirates, sea pirates. SEA PIRATES.

Bush: I understand, I understand.  I’m an understander. hehehe  I loved Hook, didn’t you? Dustin Hoffman looked just like a pirate but I don’t like Hollywood.  Too many lefties hehehe.

Obama: Should I declare war on the pirates? That is what I wanted to ask you.

Bush: I would, hehehe. Back in my day we had a war on the terrorists. You remember that?  I said we would smoke ‘em outta their holes and that’s what we did!  We smoked ‘em!  Hehehe.  Right outta their holes hehehe.

Obama: I remember that! You were a regular John Wayne. But what about the pirates?  Should I declare a “War on Piracy”?

Bush:  What’s that Darkie?  Hehehe Can I call you Darkie?  Stretch is already taken, hehehe, or Dark Man.  Can I call you Dark Man?

Obama: No! How about Barack? You can call me Barack. Or Mr. President. Can you be serious for a moment?  What should I do about the pirates?

Bush: Hehehe, you’re pretty funny there Dark Man.  I like a man with humor.  Ya gotta have humor hehehe.

Obama: George, PLEASE!

Bush:  OK, OK.  Yeah, declare a war on the pirates.  Just make an announcement from the Oval Office, sitting behind my desk, uh, your desk.  The media love that, you know, makes you look presidential hehehe. They eat it up. But you gotta look at the camera. That’s the hard part. Hehehe Dick yelled at me for not looking hehehe  You know Dick?

Obama: Yes, yes, of course I know Dick. Is there anything else I should do?

Bush: Maybe you could have a parrot on your shoulder hehehe. Everyone knows that pirates have parrots.

Obama: Thanks for speaking with me, sir.  I will consider your advice.

Bush: You do that, Dark Man, hehehe [Obama exits]

Voice from closet: Can I come out now? Is he gone, son?

Bush: Yes, yes Poppy, come on out hehehe I had him going didn’t I hehehe

Bush Sr.:  You did great son.  He won’t do anything and when the media find out we’ve been dumping nuclear waste there he will get all the blame.  Then we can get Jeb in the White House. This is the New World Order, son, and Democrats and environmentalists are not welcome!

Bush: Hehehe, Hehehehehe

Art by Kris Richard Lachowski

[Reporter interviews southern senator]

Reporter: What would Joe the Plumber say about President Obama’s stimulus plan?

Senator: Well, obviously, Joe the Plumber would say that reducing the amount of federal withholding from everyone’s paycheck is socialism.

Reporter: Socialism? Isn’t the goal to put more cash in people’s pockets, to encourage spending and thus help the ailing economy?

Senator: Republicans would have the economy running smoothly if we were in charge, if it were not for the Democrats and their obstructionist ways. They are the ones distracting us right now with their talk about Rush Limbaugh running the Republican Party. They are slowing down any hope of economic recovery. I’m stuffing all of my extra cash into my mattress for the day when Obama’s stimulus plan fails and the economy tanks.

Reporter: Senator, aren’t you over-reacting? Joe the Plumber won’t get his plumbing, country music star, reporting, book writing union busting career started if the economy tanks. Wouldn’t he want Obama’s plan to succeed?

Senator: Of course Joe wants the economy to succeed. He knows we are the greatest nation in the world. But Joe would not want the Democratic stimulus to work if it means giving away free money to everyone. He would say we need to increase the Bush tax cuts. If businesses have more money, they will expand and hire more workers.

Reporter: That is classic Reaganomics, but how will the benefits trickle-down fast enough to help people right now? Remember, the economy was in shambles when Obama became president. Besides, the big banks, automakers, and insurance companies are also failing from many years of bad lending practices, inefficient operations, and greed.

Senator: I hate to say it, but we may need to nationalize the banks.

Reporter: Isn’t that socialism?

Senator: Not when we do it; only when other nations do it.

Reporter: What would Joe the Plumber say about that?

(St. Louis, January 8, 2004) – The Monsanto Corporation’s latest genetic venture has gone awry.

According to a secret Monsanto memo accidentally released via email, Monsanto was developing a genetically modified tomato that would quickly and silently cross-pollinate with organic tomatoes, thereby eliminating Monsanto’s organic tomato competitors. Instead of cross-pollinating the organic tomatoes, however, the new Monsanto tomato began physically defoliating them. Monsanto scientists — makers of dioxin, Agent Orange, genetically modified crops, round-up ready soybeans, and terminator seeds — admitted in the email that someone “accidentally dropped a gummy bear into the new tomato’s genetic matrix.”

“Oops, my bad,” said Monsanto genetic engineer Brian LeMaster, who said he was eating a package of gummy bears in the laboratory and thought he would throw one up in the air and try to catch it in his mouth. “My aim was off and the gummy bear hit my chin then went right into the matrix dish,” LeMaster said. “It got quite a laugh from the guys in the lab.” LeMaster said he reported the incident to his boss, but denied any knowledge of the memo or the email.

“The defoliating tomato was just a lucky accident and we won’t apologize for it,” Monsanto President and Chief Executive Officer Hugh Grant told reporters. “My only regret here is that the defoliation process is slower and messier than the cross-pollination process would have been, but we are still working on it. The tomato market is highly competitive and lucrative and we intend to use every available means in order to assure that growers, distributors and consumers spend their money exclusively on our products. We do not care if we eliminate our competitors’ product through cross-pollination or defoliation or both. Monsanto is in the money-making business, not the testing or safety business. That’s the FDA’s job.”

“We are sick and tired of all those lazy veg-head pussies and their organic food,” Grant continued. “Monsanto is trying to feed the world and these pussies are always whining about food safety and product labeling. Well, let me tell you one thing: Eating organic food is un-American and supports terrorism. Did you know that Osama bin Laden prefers to eat organic tomatoes? …Well, he does!”

Bin Laden, currently living in exile in Miami, could not be reached for comment.

(Feb. 17, 2003) – Because of massive numbers of antiwar demonstrators taking to the streets in cities and towns all over the United States and throughout the world, Attorney General John Ashcroft has drafted a bill designed to reduce the number of people opposing President Bush’s plans for war in Iraq.

The bill, which is being called the “Antiwar Demonstrator Reduction Act of 2003″ (ADRA), will authorize federal courts to begin expedited deportation hearings for anyone arrested at an antiwar rally for any reason. A separate section of the Department of Justice bill would also authorize DOJ to fine any media organization that “willfully covers or reports on” an antiwar demonstration.

“All of the antiwar demonstrators convicted under this bill will be stripped of their citizenship without the opportunity for costly appeals,” Ashcroft told reporters. “A permanent ADRA tattoo will be placed above the individual’s right eyebrow before their immediate deportation.” Ashcroft declined to say which countries the individuals would be deported to.

Under ADRA, Ashcroft explained, any person arrested at an antiwar rally is subject to prosecution under this act and local law enforcement authorities are required to report all such arrests to DOJ. “It doesn’t matter what they were arrested for,” Ashcroft said. “Jaywalking or failing to keep a dog on a leash are grounds for conviction if the person was arrested at an antiwar rally.”

When asked if the proposed legislation would be unconstitutional, Ashcroft then explained the rationale behind this bill. “The DOJ believes that President Bush is following his constitutional mandate by trying to protect American citizens from Saddam Hussein. Clearly, those who oppose the President’s constitutional mandate regarding Iraq are refusing to abide by the Constitution of the United States. Under this law, the DOJ will consider this a de facto renunciation of one’s citizenship.”

Ashcroft then talked about the rationale for fines against news organizations that report on antiwar demonstrations. “The DOJ believes that we need to stand behind the President and his Iraq policy one hundred percent. Any media organization that is fined under ADRA, yet continues to report on antiwar demonstrations, will then be subject to having their FCC license revoked. We need to show Saddam Hussein that America is united behind our president and we cannot do that if the media continues to show our own citizens protesting in the streets. What message does this send to our troops getting ready to fight for freedom and democracy?”

Say goodbye to Viagra and to all those annoying Enerex commercials. Say goodbye to all those ineffective male performance enhancement drugs, compounds and potions.

Say hello to Midixadryl, the only clinically proven erection enhancement formula on the market today.

According to leading medical researchers from well-known universities, the dark, hidden secret about most male performance enhancement drugs is that they have little or no effect on sexual performance. These products are little more than clever marketing schemes designed to separate horny consumers from their dollars.

But Midixadryl is different. Midixadryl is a soothing lotion, so there are no awkward pills to swallow, no shots to take, and no painful catheters to insert. Simply rub Midixadryl onto the penis for 20 minutes and Midixadryl will produce an erection that will last up to three hours. It’s a miracle!

And, unlike the competitors, Midixadryl comes in three flavors — spearmint, orange, and cinnamint!

(March 26, 2002) – President George W. Bush had zoologists and marine biologists scratching their heads during last week’s United Nations Conference on Financing for Development held in Monterrey, Mexico.

Bush, who had secretly pressured Mexican officials to ask Cuban President Fidel Castro to leave the summit early, began showing signs of a metamorphosis shortly after a joint press conference with Mexican President Vicente Fox.

“At first we thought he was turning into a pig,” said one zoologist who witnessed the transformation, “but then we began to notice the formation of an opaque gel on his torso and lower extremities. That’s when we figured out that he was turning into a jellyfish.” After the metamorphosis was complete, a team of marine biologists from the United States traveled to Monterrey to try to reverse the process.

In Washington, meanwhile, Vice President Dick Cheney, who assumed the role of Commander-in-Chief within minutes after the metamorphosis, said he would veto any energy bill that does not allow oil drilling in the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge. Cheney also vowed to “stay the course” until the President has been restored.

Bush critics charge that the jellyfish metamorphosis wouldn’t have happened if the President had not been so afraid of listening to one of Castro’s speeches on economic justice. “Bush did not want to have to see or acknowledge Mr. Castro,” said one observer, “but rather than approach the situation like a man and politely listen to what Castro had to say, Bush paid Mexico to ask Castro to leave the conference early. This was a spineless act by a spineless man and all we can hope for now is that he becomes a better jellyfish than he was a president.”

Satire by Jamie York

(LONDON, March 22, 2002) – The British Parliament will soon hear arguments that could overturn the outcome of the Revolutionary War and place the United States once again under British rule.

The controversy stems from the use of “illegal combatants” in the Revolutionary War. The term “illegal combatants” was recently coined by U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and applied to the al-Qaeda and Taliban prisoners of war held at the U.S. Guantanamo Naval Base in Cuba. According to a spokeswoman for Prime Minister Tony Blair, “if the United States can claim that the non-uniformed fighters in Afghanistan are illegal combatants, then Great Britain can claim that the non-uniformed colonial Minutemen fighting the British troops were also illegal combatants.”

The spokeswoman also said that the participants in the Boston Tea Party of 1773 were terrorists and that their “mob actions” should be condemned by all civilized people. “We cannot have unkempt, non-uniformed terrorists deciding the fate of entire nations. This cannot and will not stand; the rule of law must prevail.”

“In addition,” she added, “the American people owe us more than 220 years of back taxes.”

Watch out Osama; watch out everyone. Geraldo Rivera is packin’ heat and he’s on a mission.

Fox News viewers should not be surprised that gun-toting correspondent Geraldo Rivera mistakenly reported on a “friendly fire” bombing incident that occurred near Kandahar, Afghanistan, when he was actually located several hundred miles away in Tora Bora. Rivera claimed he made an honest mistake because he was in the “fog of war” and Fox News later defended Rivera’s “honest mistake” and cited his “30-year track record” and his “journalistic integrity.”

Journalistic integrity? Geraldo Rivera? To his credit, Rivera showed some promise as an investigative reporter in his early days with ABC, but it soon became clear that he had a penchant for embellishing the truth and sensationalizing his stories. His former CNBC talk show was the perfect forum for his National Inquirer-style of journalism but, apparently, Rivera’s sensational style suits Fox News just fine or they would not have hired him as a war correspondent.

Remember Al Capone’s vault? Remember Rivera’s much-heralded “Sail to the Century” in which he took his sailboat to the International Dateline on Dec. 31, 1999, in order to be among the first to welcome in the new millennium? Assuming that he didn’t stray off course and that he actually arrived at the International Dateline at the appropriate hour, he missed the real millennium by a full year. Of course, most major cites around the world also held millennium celebrations on the date as well, so Geraldo Rivera has the distinct honor of being the first person to welcome in the last year of the 20th century.

Congratulations Geraldo! You’re a stud and you know it. Don’t shoot your weenie off over there.