Monsanto: “Organic food is un-American and supports terrorism”
Satire by Jamie York
(St. Louis, January 8, 2004) – The Monsanto Corporation’s latest genetic venture has gone awry.
According to a secret Monsanto memo accidentally released via email, Monsanto was developing a genetically modified tomato that would quickly and silently cross-pollinate with organic tomatoes, thereby eliminating Monsanto’s organic tomato competitors. Instead of cross-pollinating the organic tomatoes, however, the new Monsanto tomato began physically defoliating them. Monsanto scientists — makers of dioxin, Agent Orange, genetically modified crops, round-up ready soybeans, and terminator seeds — admitted in the email that someone “accidentally dropped a gummy bear into the new tomato’s genetic matrix.”
“Oops, my bad,” said Monsanto genetic engineer Brian LeMaster, who said he was eating a package of gummy bears in the laboratory and thought he would throw one up in the air and try to catch it in his mouth. “My aim was off and the gummy bear hit my chin then went right into the matrix dish,” LeMaster said. “It got quite a laugh from the guys in the lab.” LeMaster said he reported the incident to his boss, but denied any knowledge of the memo or the email.
“The defoliating tomato was just a lucky accident and we won’t apologize for it,” Monsanto President and Chief Executive Officer Hugh Grant told reporters. “My only regret here is that the defoliation process is slower and messier than the cross-pollination process would have been, but we are still working on it. The tomato market is highly competitive and lucrative and we intend to use every available means in order to assure that growers, distributors and consumers spend their money exclusively on our products. We do not care if we eliminate our competitors’ product through cross-pollination or defoliation or both. Monsanto is in the money-making business, not the testing or safety business. That’s the FDA’s job.”
“We are sick and tired of all those lazy veg-head pussies and their organic food,” Grant continued. “Monsanto is trying to feed the world and these pussies are always whining about food safety and product labeling. Well, let me tell you one thing: Eating organic food is un-American and supports terrorism. Did you know that Osama bin Laden prefers to eat organic tomatoes? …Well, he does!”
Bin Laden, currently living in exile in Miami, could not be reached for comment.
No doubt an post like this probably stirs the soup with some who believe it. I read this with some disbelief and was relieved at the end with the crazy Osama bin Laden thing.
gettheconcept
March 8, 2009
Ah, to me the bin Laden part is the most believable. The guy might be a terrorist, but he helped make boatloads of money for lots of independent contractors in Iraq. No one ever tracked where all those billions went. Why would anyone making lots of money off of the so-called “war on terror” want bin Laden killed? Exile on Main St. is the safest place for him!
mediagonebad
March 8, 2009