Ashcroft introduces “Antiwar Demonstrator Reduction Act of 2003″
Satire by Jamie York
(Feb. 17, 2003) – Because of massive numbers of antiwar demonstrators taking to the streets in cities and towns all over the United States and throughout the world, Attorney General John Ashcroft has drafted a bill designed to reduce the number of people opposing President Bush’s plans for war in Iraq.
The bill, which is being called the “Antiwar Demonstrator Reduction Act of 2003″ (ADRA), will authorize federal courts to begin expedited deportation hearings for anyone arrested at an antiwar rally for any reason. A separate section of the Department of Justice bill would also authorize DOJ to fine any media organization that “willfully covers or reports on” an antiwar demonstration.
“All of the antiwar demonstrators convicted under this bill will be stripped of their citizenship without the opportunity for costly appeals,” Ashcroft told reporters. “A permanent ADRA tattoo will be placed above the individual’s right eyebrow before their immediate deportation.” Ashcroft declined to say which countries the individuals would be deported to.
Under ADRA, Ashcroft explained, any person arrested at an antiwar rally is subject to prosecution under this act and local law enforcement authorities are required to report all such arrests to DOJ. “It doesn’t matter what they were arrested for,” Ashcroft said. “Jaywalking or failing to keep a dog on a leash are grounds for conviction if the person was arrested at an antiwar rally.”
When asked if the proposed legislation would be unconstitutional, Ashcroft then explained the rationale behind this bill. “The DOJ believes that President Bush is following his constitutional mandate by trying to protect American citizens from Saddam Hussein. Clearly, those who oppose the President’s constitutional mandate regarding Iraq are refusing to abide by the Constitution of the United States. Under this law, the DOJ will consider this a de facto renunciation of one’s citizenship.”
Ashcroft then talked about the rationale for fines against news organizations that report on antiwar demonstrations. “The DOJ believes that we need to stand behind the President and his Iraq policy one hundred percent. Any media organization that is fined under ADRA, yet continues to report on antiwar demonstrations, will then be subject to having their FCC license revoked. We need to show Saddam Hussein that America is united behind our president and we cannot do that if the media continues to show our own citizens protesting in the streets. What message does this send to our troops getting ready to fight for freedom and democracy?”
